Posted July 30, 2001 06:15 | Category: Story | #
A funny story about a well known bumper sticker.
I opened the package. There it was.
I tried to smile.
I mean, it's the thought that counts, right?
I mean, really?
I held it up to the light.
"Like it?" She asked. "I thought it was perfect for you..."
I grinned back at her.
"Of course I do. I've always wanted a key chain like this."
"Isn't it funny?" She grabbed the monstrousity from me.
It read: "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, GET OFF THE SIDEWALKS." For about a billion years those horrors have haunted novelty stores, I hate those things. With an inexplicable passion. And here I was owning one. I don't even drive.
"Th...thanks. Really."
"Happy Birthday. Well, I gotta go." She grinned at me and waited.
"Well?"
"Well what?" I asked.
"Aren't you gonna put all your keys on it?"
"Oh. Uh.. sure. My cheeks were cramping up from the fake look of genuine joy.
I pulled out my keys and attached the neon pink sign to my Philadelphia Orchestra Acadamy Of Music key chain. One reeked of class, the other just reeked.
She finally left.
I tried to take it off, but felt guilty. It's the thought, right?
A week later I was riding the Frankfurt Local to work, humming that classic line about how the Frankfurt L doesn't go to heaven, the Frankfurt L goes straigt to Frankfurt, when I noticed a large sweating gentleman who was sitting next to me was staring at my hands. At least I hoped it was my hands.
I looked at him.
"Um... Hi." breaking the cardinal rule of speaking on the subway.
"Howdy." His drawl was thick. So was his sweat. There is a reason for the before mentioned rule. You don't speak to someone because:
a) They might speak back
and
b) They might kill you.
But this guy went on staring at me. Finally after an uncomfortable couple of minutes:
"Ah Couldn't hep buht notice yer keychayun."
"What?" I said.
"Ah sed, Ah couldn't help but notice yer Keychain."
"Oh, thanks." I said, raising an eyebrow. Boy, takes all types, here I was, casting dispersions on a total stranger, and he is into the Philadelphia Orchestra. Wow. I felt like I could talk to him."
"Do you go often?"
"Where..." He cautiously asked.
"The orchestra..."
"NAw, never."
"Um... Then what did you like about my... keychain." This was wierd. Alarms were going off in my head. He's going to kill me. He is going to sweat on me. He is going to sit on me or something but either way, I am not going to get off of this train alive...
"I liked the driving one. Yas know, thu pink one."
"Oh...Th...Thanks." I smiled. I still couldn't bring myself to take it off.
"Want me to sign it?"
"What?" I asked.
"Saaahhhhnnnn it. Ya see, Ahm the one who wrats all o' them thangs. You know I OWE, I OWE, IT'S OFF TO WORK AH GO, and MOTHER IN LAW IN TRUNK? Ah wrote 'em. Jimmy Smathers is mah name. mebbe ya herd of me."
"'Fraid not. You wrote these?"
"Yeh. I've done a million of 'em. "MY OTHER CAR IS A PORCHE" "KISS ME, I'M HORNY" um... My favorite is WHY ARE YOU SQUINTING AT MY BUTTON written in real tiny letters. Yeah, that's mah job. I make tacky little catch phrases for bumper stickers, buttons, and t-shirts. I even bootleg Simpsons stuff..."
HE prattled on. My mind swam. Was it really him? The psycho who was res- poncable for all these devilish doings? The bane of society? Could I personally hold him accountable for all the stupid phrases of mankind?
"I even came up with the idear for suction cup Garfields..." he went on. My God! I must do something! But what??? I thought long... and hard. The entire time he went on.
"Ah did the AMERICAN BY BIRTH, SOUTHERN BY GRACE OF GOD shotglasses for a while, but moved on from that to THE BEST WOMAN I EVER KNOWN WAS ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE, MY MOTHER..."
He had to be stopped.
The Frankfurt local screeched to a halt. IT was my stop. HE got up with me. We walked along the tracks. The wouldn't shut up. I had to think fast. As we walked along the edge, I adeptly removed the keychain, dropping it on the ground.
"Whoops! I dropped the DRIVING key chain! It fell over the tracks."
"Where???" He looked over the edge."
"There!" I said, pushing him into the path of an oncoming train. I pretended to cry.
People screamed, oblivious to the service I had just performed.
I did it for mankind...
Posted 2/18/1992 by lettuce@ucscb.ucsc.edu
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Last updated: 09/19/2007 William R. Ward, bill@wards.net