Posted July 30, 2001 06:15 | Category: Parody | #
Brenda lay on her futon. Her long red-brown hair cascaded across the pillow like dried caramel as she chewed thoughtfully on one thumb-tip. It had been so long since she had been fucked, she thought. Why, she hadn't been properly laid in something like 19 hours, and the newspaper boy had only been interested in his usual blowjob this morning...
Just then, Alan walked in the front door. Rapidly, he pulled off his skintight jeans, and Brenda gasped as she saw that his erect cock was nearly eight inches long.
"I've been waiting a long time for this," he said as he climbed on to her naked, supine, almost absurdly well-endowed frame.
But as he prepared to enter her, Ron, the cable repairman, crawled in the window and unzipped his pants, revealing his hardened shlong, which Brenda saw was nine-and-a-quarter inches in length, with a four-and-a-half inch circumference.
"Brenda! I must have you!" he said, jostling Alan as he joined them on the futon.
Before Brenda could say anything, Matthew walked in from the den, where Brenda had left him reading the Sunday comics some two weeks ago.
"Matthew!" said Brenda. "I never knew your fully-solidified prick was 9.82 inches long, with a circumference of 5.16 inches!"
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me," he replied, rubbing up against her smooth skin.
"Don't be ridiculous, Brenda," rejoined Alan. "He can't be more than 9.73 inches, although his circumference may be more like 5.24 inches."
Brenda was about to reach under the bed for the calipers, when suddenly Burke, the lanky Canadian, burst in.
"Take ME, Brenda," he said. "My penis is 24.06 centimetres long!"
Brenda did some quick calculating on her fingers, and smiled. "Come on in, big boy!"
"Brenda!" shouted Brady, the muscular physics major who had just come down the stairs. "Suffice it to say that it takes a particle of light upwards of eight one thousandths of a picosecond to traverse the length of my organ, when fully erect."
Brenda hesitated. She had gotten it on with Brady before, and he hadn't been able to keep track of where his dick was and how fast it was moving at the same time. Still, his credentials were impressive, so she invited him onto the futon.
Suddenly, Eglidah, an Old Testament prophet, appeared in a puff of smoke.
"This I say unto thee, Brenda. That maleness which I have, it is a full half-cubit in length, yea and it is thicker indeed than the horn of a ram!"
"'Yea' is right!" enthused Brenda. The prophet hiked up his robe and climbed into bed.
Darren, the mathematician from down the block, ran into the room. "Brenda!" he said. "I just want to...MAN, that's a big futon!"
"Yes, yes," said Brenda impatiently. "Get on with it."
"I just wanted to point out that the angle formed by my stomach and my penis is 64 degrees, and a line drawn perpendicularly to my stomach from my navel will reach 7.036 inches before intersecting with the tip of my erect trouser snake. Now, from this we can deduce that..."
Brenda sighed. She knew it was going to be another one of those long nights.
Written by L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg
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Last updated: 09/19/2007 William R. Ward, bill@wards.net