Posted July 30, 2001 06:15 | Category: Lists | #
How to decipher the want ads...
| What the Job Ad says: | What it means: |
|---|---|
| Advancement opportunity | Shit job |
| Entry level | Really shit job |
| No experience necessary | The mother of all shit jobs |
| Administrative assistant | Shit job with a title |
| Ground floor opportunity | Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year |
| Progressive company | Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday |
| Team player | Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities |
| Upbeat personality | Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year |
| Word processing skills essential | There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future. |
| Public relations | Receptionist |
| Professional appearance important | $20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe |
| Pleasant telephone manner | Be voice of 1-900-SUCK |
| Earn up to $300/hr | BE 1-900-SUCK |
| Salary range $24K to $32K | This salary is $24K |
| Jeans job! | Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions |
| Will train | Prior conviction of a or two, no problem |
| B.A. required, master's preferred | Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary |
| Civil service | This job was filled from the inside six months ago |
| Women & minorities encouraged to apply | White males need not waste the stamp |
| Outstanding benefits package | Health insurance |
| Tons of variety! | We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job. |
| Top-notch communication skills | Telemarketing |
| Beautiful offices in attractive locations | Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting |
| Secretary | Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker |
| Executive secretary | The most powerful position in any company |
| Dedicated | You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement |
| Salary commensurate | We will pay whatever the hell we feel like |
| Salary negotiable | We will take the lowest bidder |
| Competitive salary | We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job. but not one penny more |
| Competitive starting salary | Ten cents above minimum wage |
| Pleasant atmosphere | A staff of pod people |
| Professional atmosphere | Zombie pod people |
| Fun, creative atmosphere | Pod people from hell |
| Dynamic atmosphere | Zombie pod people from hell |
| Gal Friday | Anyone who actually applies for this job and deserves it |
| Self-starter | Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means |
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Last updated: 09/19/2007 William R. Ward, bill@wards.net